Living for the Finish Line
As my school year went on, I leaned toward burnout and chanted to myself that I could make it to the next break. First, it was fall break- a glorious, self-imposed two days off in the middle of the fall. I can make it, I can make it. Then winter break- two weeks of family time, rest, and catching up on work. You can survive until then. Spring break. You got this. Summer. You can do this.
I made it. I’m here, on summer break, and I can breathe. My lap feels strangely naked when we sit down to watch TV together and I don’t hold a stack of papers to grade; I have energy to make real meals, exercise, and clean my house. Time stretches out in front of me, full of space to get pulled in to a book I can’t put down or dive into a project I’ve been meaning to get around to. I’m making the plans with my family and friends that I kept saying I’d do for the last eight months, and finally- I feel like I have the space to make them happen.
In August, I’ll miss this. All these things will go back to being squeezed into the margins of my time and focus. For awhile, I told myself that was fine because it was temporary. When I was a new teacher, of course it was hard to balance the parts of my life. When I moved schools, grade levels, or subjects, it was understandable to feel overwhelmed and invest a lot of time into keeping my head above water- because it would get better.
This year marked ten years of teaching for me. Two states, four schools, five grade levels, and everything from one subject to all of them. So much change, and yet, some things never do.
Every year, I struggle to stay organized and stay on top of paperwork. Every year, I stay after school because I have so much I need to get done, and every year, I’m so drained that it’s hard for me to accomplish much of anything. Every year, I tell myself things will be different- and while I get better bit by bit, I’m realizing that even when I’m not new to my job or position anymore, the workload and my struggles don’t magically go away.
I’m not sure what needs to change, but I know always limping towards the next break isn’t healthy. Life can’t always feel like the summer, but it shouldn’t feel like I’m waiting for summer to live the life I want to live. I need to find a way to work, while still coming home with the time and energy to focus on my family, my home, and the things that give me life.
It’s okay to use milestones to push through a temporary stressful time, especially when something crops up you can’t control. It’s not okay for milestones to guide your entire life. That means something needs to change.
For me, maybe I need a different job, or I need to be better at setting boundaries for my time. Maybe I need to let go and do less, or schedule the important things so I make them happen. I’m not sure what this will look like, but recognizing the need for change is powerful. It’s time to stop living for the finish line and enjoy the race.